I gave up video games years ago. I had an epiphany one day while I was on my laptop updating the spreadsheet containing the running statistics of four seasons worth of video game Minnesota Wild seasons featuring versions of my friends I’d created and given nearly inhuman hockey skills. It struck me as I was updating these stats that if any girl I dated eventually asked about this, and that this would probably be the last conversation I would ever have with that girl. For some reason winning four straight Norris trophies is not that impressive. I wonder if Bobby Orr had this problem?
Anyway, over the last couple of weeks I’ve read glowing review after glowing review of the new Rock Band: The Beatles game and I’ll admit, I’m intrigued, especially by the story mode (evidently you play at The Cavern Club in Hamburg, The Ed Sullivan Show, Abbey Road…). I’ve never played either Rock Band or Guitar Hero. In fact, I don’t own a television or a video game console. If I do decide I want to see what all the fuss is about I’m going to be looking at a roughly $400 tab. Frankly, I don’t care that much. At least not about The Beatles. This got me thinking about what bands would make me willing to throw down $400 just for the privilege of living their story and singing their songs with Margo in my living room. I came up with these 15. They’re judged on 5 criteria (Rating 1-10): Instrumental Complexity, Vocal Complexity, Storyline, Fun Factor, and the inevitable X Factor. I'm also working under the assumption that their entire catalog would be included in the game.
15. Rock Band: The Hold Steady
Instrumental Complexity: 4. While the songs aren’t the most complicated, Tad Kubler does manage to pull off a few great solos. Plus you’ll have to figure out how to play a Rock Band harpsichord for “One For The Cutters.”
Vocal Complexity: 2. Let’s be honest, we can all sing like Craig Finn. The highs ain’t high and the lows ain’t low. Adding a couple people for the backing vocals on “Chips Ahoy!” and “Slapped Actress" would help liven things up.
Storyline: 1. Move to New York, start band. Unless they decide to use the graphic capabilities to tell the story that’s told in The Hold Steady’s songs, in which case the score hits a 9. Who wouldn’t want to see a digitally rendered Charlemagne in sweatpants?
Fun Factor: 8. The Hold Steady is a band designed for rolled down windows and steering wheel drumming.
X Factor: 7. There are very few in betweens when it comes to Hold Steady fans. Get 4 or 5 diehards into your apartment and stock the fridge with PBR.
Party Track: Massive Nights (Just so the whole room could get in on the chorus)
14. Rock Band: TV On The Radio
Instrumental Complexity: 8. Half the time I can’t tell what the fuck’s going on. As long as I get to play whatever makes that elephant noise at the beginning of “I Was A Lover.”
Vocal Complexity: 6. Tunde Adebimpe and Kyp Malone are vastly overrated as vocalists. Still, a song like “Province” would be plenty of fun with a couple of mics.
Storyline: 0. Already in New York, start band, never pay any dues because you’re adored by critics from the beginning. Rough.
Fun Factor: 7. TV On The Radio’s catalog runs the gambit from rockers (“Wolf Like Me”) to dancy (“Crying”). If nothing else this game would keep your toes. Plus you’d have to get about 4 drum kits and some rhythmic friends to play “A Method.”
X Factor: 8. Bring a date over and duet on “Lover’s Day.” If you can pull that off, you’re gold.
Party Track: “Halfway Home” (Make all your friends do the “buh buh buh ba ba ba ba buh” bit)
13. Rock Band: The White Stripes
Instrumental Complexity: 5. I know, Jack White’s hellbent on proving he’s the best guitar player on earth and you’d be left to figure out the solos. Still, the first half of this catalog is incredibly simple.
Vocal Complexity: 7. Between the high notes and the affectations, Jack White is one tough nut to crack.
Storyline: 6. A couple of left turns (moving to Nashville, Jack breaks hand, Meg has a panic attack, Brendan Benson shows up in the middle of the game for no discernible reason) make this one more interesting than you might think. You better learn to love the Conan O’Brien set though.
Fun Factor: 6: Tough one. On the one hand, the songs are not that difficult and loads of fun. It’s been like 7 years and I’m still not sick of “Black Math.” On the other hand, only room for two people. Unless you have a bigger room.
X Factor: I hope you have a wardrobe heavy on black and red.
Party Track: “It’s True That We Love One Another” Better have a couple mics.
12. Rock Band: Editors/Interpol
Instrumental Complexity: 2. Guitar player, can you do angular? Bass player, can you do pulsing?
Vocal Complexity: 4. Vocalist, have you ever heard of Ian Curtis?
Storyline: 3. The most interesting thing about either of these bands is that they claim to not be each other.
Fun Factor: 7. I make fun, but between the two of them there are at least 20 tracks that absolutely kill. “Slow Hands,” “The Heinrich Maneuver,” “Smoker Outside The Hospital,” “Munich…” It would be a good time.
X Factor: 6. The Carlos D animated character would be priceless.
Party Track: “Obstacle 1” (Especially when the song climaxes and falls back to earth during the “she floats away” bit).
11. Rock Band: The Clash
Instrumental Complexity: 7. Runs the gambit from deceptively simple (“Clash City Rockers”) to needlessly, uninterestingly complex (pretty much all of “Sandinista.”)
Vocal Complexity: 4. Not the most technically difficult, but who doesn't love telling the Queen to sod off?
Storyline: 3. A little drab, but it would be pretty cool to see the foggy waterfront from the “London Calling” video and unveiling that big The Clash! banner from the top of the Capitol Records building.
Fun Factor: 5. Really only fun until the end of London Calling. If they didn’t give a fuck about making Cut The Crap you certainly don’t have to give a fuck playing along.
X Factor: 7. Watching your friend sing, “He who fucks nuns will later join the church!”
Party Track: “Rock The Casbah” (I really want to say “Train In Vain,” but you know this will get everyone going.)
10. Rock Band: Oasis
Instrumental Complexity: 3. Everyone knows that a good chunk of Oasis’ charm comes from the fact that it’s just big, stupid rock n’ roll.
Vocal Complexity: 4. “Sun-she-yiiine” Again, not rocket science, but a damn good time.
Storyline: 7. You’d get to play all those big Glastonbury gigs. Plus, that unplugged gig where Liam sat and heckled Noel. Bonus points for whoever can come up with the most creative way to insult Blur and/or your own brother.
Fun Factor: 8. The number of tracks that will get you and your friends going is ridiculous. “Live Forever,” “Supersonic,” “Wonderwall,” “Don’t Look Back In Anger…” Classic.
X Factor: 5. The songs get noticeably worse as the game progresses. If you want to make things interesting you could always tackle whoever’s playing Noel during the first verse of “(What’s The Story?) Morning Glory?”
Party Track: “Champagne Supernova” (Honestly, who hasn’t got drunk and sung this song with their friends anyway?)
9. Rock Band: Pixies
Instrumental Complexity: 7. Frank Black gets too much credit for this band’s schizo energy. Without Joey Santiago’s guitar work Black Francis would just be Isaac Brock.
Vocal Complexity: 7. That equation works both ways though. Black’s yelping to crooning to barking to yelling style is not easily imitated (at least not well). Just imagine trying to sing something like “Broken Face” or “Wild Honey Pie.” Plus, you HAVE to have a female to sing Kim Deal’s parts. You can’t have the echoey bit from “Where Is My Mind” without a good Kim Deal.
Storyline: 4. Not the most interesting. You’d get to play in Steve Albini’s studio? Is that cool? It would be cool to see the digitally rendered fatter, balder reunion tour Pixies though.
Fun Factor: 7. You’d only be able to invite people 26 or older, but singing “Here Comes Your Man” with a few friends would be a ball.
X Factor: 4. If you nail enough songs you unlock the phone number to send the same fax Frank Black sent to notify everyone else that the band was done.
Party Track: “Monkey Gone To Heaven” (Gaaahhd is seven!)
8. Rock Band: The Mars Volta
Instrumental Complexity: 10. I can barely process those jazz-to-metal guitar freakouts while listening to the albums let alone trying to play along.
Vocal Complexity: 10. Godspeed you! aspiring prog-rock vocalists.
Storyline: 9. While I doubt much of the mythology Cedric Bixler-Zavala and Omar Rodriguez-Lopez have spun around the content of their albums, it would be fun to see the stories of dead friends diaries, comatose suicidal artists, and Israeli legends all played out. And the drugs. Don’t forget the drugs.
Fun Factor: 3. Let’s face it, The Mars Volta is not a band for everyone. Logically, their Rock Band would not be a Rock Band for everyone. However, the diehards would love it. I think that Rock Band junkies unfamiliar with the band would learn to love it for the intricacies as well.
X Factor: 5. Can you grow an afro?
Party Track: “The Widow” (I guess?)
7. Rock Band: Blur
Instrumental Complexity: 8. Deceptively high for a band known for “Song 2” and “Park Life.” Graham Coxon was no slouch though. Good luck with the second half of 13.
Vocal Complexity: 8. Again, deceptively high. Just because Damon Albarn is able to sound so casual in his style doesn’t mean he is being casual. Trying singing along to “Beetlebum” sometime. Make sure no one is in the car with you.
Storyline: 6. Blur used their songs to tell stories of the English middle- and lower-class. I’m guessing they may have done this because their lives were not that exciting. Some “Reader Meets Author” type stuff. It might be fun to watch the Damon Albarn character mope around after he broke up with Justine Frischmann.
Fun Factor: 9. Just try to picture yourself and a couple of friends singing “Coffee & TV.” Honestly, how much fun would that be?
X Factor: 6. Do you have friends who knew who Blur were before “Song 2” broke? If you don’t, then this game may not be so fun.
Party Track: “Song 2” (If you’re in America), “Girls & Boys” (If you’re in the UK)
6. Rock Band: Low
Instrumental Complexity: 8. Low is the perfect band to flip Rock Band on its head. Their music is all about subtlety. Speed counts for nothing. Pacing is everything.
Vocal Complexity: 8. Same story. Alan Sparhawk and Mimi Parker’s spare, sparse harmonies would reward those who understand patience and attention to detail.
Storyline: 1. I love Duluth as much as the next guy, but c’mon…
Fun Factor: 5. I put this in the middle because people who either A) Like Low or B) Would like to see Rock Band turned on its side would probably think this game was incredible. People who have never played Rock Band or (unfathomably) dislike Duluth would probably be bored to tears.
Party Track: “Broadway (So Many People)” (An endurance test based on structure, pacing, harmonies, and the rewards of what isn’t being said.)
5. Rock Band: Prince
Instrumental Complexity: 8. Prince is either the most underrated or overrated guitar player on Earth (depending on your view of guitars and Earth). Since Rock Band has become a generation defining example of instrumental prowess, we’ll settle this once and for all.
Vocal Complexity: 7. Very little in the way of backing vocals, but whoever you put in charge of singing better know their way around some high notes.
Storyline: 9. Digitally rendered First Avenue! Morris Day and his black man-servant Jerome! Writing “Slave” on your face while simultaneously changing your name to an unpronounceable symbol. Super Bowl halftime show. Sex with a list of “protégés” much too long for this space. Good times.
Fun Factor: 10. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to celebrate this thing called life…” Every party should start like that.
X Factor: 7. The game would have to have an option for “Hits” & “Everything Else.”
Party Track: “Purple Rain” (This is the second best drunken singalong song ever written. Sidenote to Pheezy: Remember Trash Bar? Tell me I’m wrong.)
4. Rock Band: Radiohead
Instrumental Complexity: 10. Starts out simple enough, then grows and grows until you’re trying to figure out how the fuck to play “Treefingers”
Vocal Complexity: 9. There’s a reason Thom Yorke is always on the top of lists of the best vocalists of our time. No one can do what he does. It would be fun to try though.
Storyline: 3. The one big drawback of this game. The Radiohead story is just not that interesting. Five guys who turn up every couple of years and rewrite what “pop music” means.
Fun Factor: 9. I was going to put this lower, but the fact that these songs are universally beloved coupled with watching your friends do that twitchy Thom Yorke dance bumped it way up.
X Factor: Once you beat the “Expert” level your reward will be finding out exactly what the fuck that guy said at the end of the “Just” video.
Party Track: “Creep” (I’m sorry, but you know I’m right.)
3. Rock Band: Wilco
Instrumental Complexity: 7. Much like the Radiohead model, the tracks start nice and simple and grow increasingly more complicated (at least until Sky Blue Sky). Summerteeth, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, and A Ghost Is Born will leave plenty of tricks to be figured out.
Vocal Complexity: 7. Not unlike the Damon Albarn model. Jeff Tweedy’s smoky rasp comes off casual and easy, but turn the radio down and try to sing along with “Ashes Of American Flags.” It’s not pretty.
Storyline: 7. After every album you get to replace at least one band member.
Fun Factor: 8. While a lot of these songs are lyrically dark, they can be a lot of fun to sing (case in point: “Say You Miss Me.”) Plus, I’ve been listening to these guys like crazy for years and I’ve yet to get sick of them.
X Factor: 6. Every half an hour you get to press the “Ignore” button on virtual Jeff Tweedy’s phone when the caller ID comes up “Jay Farrar.”
Party Track: “I’m A Wheel” (Wilco usually doesn’t play this fast. They should do it more often.)
2. Rock Band: The Replacements
Instrumental Complexity: 7. Half the time I don’t think Bob Stinson had any idea how he was tearing off those solos. Good luck.
Vocal Complexity: 6. Paul Westerberg’s rasp is one of a kind. And his melodies are very, very underrated. Nailing the hooks on “Kiss Me On The Bus” or “I Will Dare” is a lot more difficult than it seems.
Storyline: 9. Drugs, alcohol, every venue in the Twin Cities, Bob Stinson in drag, drugs, on stage fights, five night stand at the Entry, firing Bob Stinson, alcohol, signing to a major label, alcohol, playing the American Music Awards, alcohol, opening for Tom Petty, drugs, breaking up, alcohol…
Fun Factor: 10. It’s tough to think of a band that would suit this game any better. From the early punk stuff (“Shiftless When Idle”) to the mid-period zenith (“Alex Chilton”) to the dark pop at the end (“Achin’ To Be”), this whole catalog was built for air guitars and singalongs.
X Factor: 9. Game comes packaged with two flannel shirts, a carton of Camel Lights, and two cases of Premium. Enjoy the ride.
Party Track: “Bastards Of Young” (Just to hear the whole room do the scream at the beginning.)
I can’t believe you actually read this far. Thanks. You kick ass.
1. Rock Band: The Smiths/Morrissey
Instrumental Complexity: 9. If it took Jonny Marr seven different guitar bits to make “Still Ill,” just imagine trying to reassemble it with one fake guitar. Also, Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce were no slouches.
Vocal Complexity: 10. Lord knows, we all have our own version of “Morrissey” that turns up everytime “Hand In Glove” comes on. I’m willing to bet that most of us aren’t even close.
Storyline: 7. Personally, I’d put it at a 10, but I’ve read 3 books detailing the career of The Smiths. I hope you enjoy hiring managers and bickering with GeoffTravis.
Fun Factor: 10. The catalog is soooo deep. You could probably stretch this into two games if you wanted. You could even package The Smiths version with a tacky badge.
X Factor: 9. Unless you live in England, this catalog may not be well known. However, if you do have a few Mozzer loving friends, I can’t imagine anything more fun than watching them sing “Bigmouth Strikes Again” with a bouquet of flowers in their back pocket.
Party Track: The Smiths “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” (Close second: “Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others”) Mozzer “Suedehead” (“I am a-so sick-en-da nowwww”)
Well, that’s that. You’re never getting those 15 minutes back. Check back again when they figure out a good way to make a hip-hop version of Rock Band.
