And Ya Say Twins' City!

The Twin Cities sports landscape is looking a little bleak right now. The Vikings have been spinning their wheels for three weeks now and, even if the Randy Moss trade comes to fruition, are still facing an uphill battle to make the playoffs. The Wild only won one preseason game and are starting the season on the other side of the world (more on that to come). And the Timberwolves’ season actually peaked two days ago with a preseason win over the Lakers.

However…

The Twins playoff series against the New York Yankees starts tonight! I have absolute faith that this is the year that the Twins get over this hurdle and beat the Yankees in the postseason.

Why? Five reasons:

01. The Twins have solid pitching from their starters to their closers. Liriano, Pavano, Duensing, & Blackburn may not instill fear into the Yankees lineup, but they are remarkably consistent and aren’t afraid to put the ball in play. At the other end, Jesse Crain and Matt Capps have turned into one of the best 8^th-9^th inning combos in the league.

02. The Twins have Target Field on their side. October in Minneapolis ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. Fortunately, we’ll be riding the bat of Smokin’ Joe Mauer, who was born and raised in these winters. What’s 45 degrees to me, homey? Plus, the shine of the new stadium is just too much. The story of the new stadium and it’s World Series win will be a story we tell our kids (well, a story YOU tell your kids. That ain’t my style. I’ll tell Basset about it).

03. The Yankees have grown fat and complacent. After winning a championship last year, the desire and drive isn’t where it needs to be this time of year.

04. The “Big Four” of the Yankees (Pettite, Jeter, Rivera, & Posada) are all over 35 and dealing with the inevitable consequences of getting older, slower, fatter, slower, dumber, & fatter.

05. Lastly, man, fuck some Yankees! We’re due!

Alright, let’s break this down position by position and see who has the edge:

Catcher: Bro Mauer vs. Jorge Posada

Mauer: Conceived, born, & educated behind home plate.

Posada: As a child, Posada used to steal fruit from the market in his hometown. When confronted by his mother, he threw an apple at her. Of course, the throw was 3 feet short and 6 feet two her left, leaving her standing up, completely safe.

First Base: Kid Cuddy vs. Mark Teixeira

Cuddy: Has played every position in the Twins organization, including pitching, catching, manager, first base coach, pitching coach, bus driver, uniform launderer, and PED-dealer-keeper-awayer. Because of his devotion to the team, management has asked him repeatedly to please, “slow his roll,” to which he’s angrily responded, “Fuck that!”

Teixeira: After leaving Texas to sign with the Yankees after the 2008 season, Teixeira was heard claiming that the only thing that was “bigger in Texas” was the women. Of course, this never really bothered him as he has no interest whatsoever in women.

Second Base: O-Dogg vs. Robinson Cano

O-Dogg: Just ‘scited man! Keep it loose, lil’ rowdy! Man, gets cold, but I ain’t sweat, nawww, not O-Dogg!

Robinson Cano: Has made millions of dollars while playing and living in New York City, yet refuses to buy an MTA card. Rather, he waits until rush hour to push through doors that have been propped open by handicap (and fully paying) patrons.

Shortstop: J.J. Hardy vs. Derek Jeter

Hardy: Acquired from Milwaukee during the offseason for Carlos Gomez. Hasn’t quite lived up to expectations, however, the drop off is understandable, as this season was his first experience living in a major Midwestern city.

Jeter: Captain Clutch had career lows in batter average, RBI’s, and on-base percentage. Also, he dated Mariah Carey. No, really.

Third Base: Danny Valencia vs. Alex Rodriguez

Valencia: During the AL Central-clinching party, CF Denard Span said of Danny Valencia, “Watch out ladies, Danny’s out on the town tonight.”

Rodriguez: Has never actually showered in front of teammates because years and years of abusing performance enhancing drugs have left his testicles as shriveled as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner’s.

Left Field: Deltron vs. Brett Gardner

Deltron: Finally living up to the potential he’s scratched at for years. Plus, he has a Misfits tattoo (leading to the “Delmon Young Fiend Club” and bridging the gap between hipster jerk-offs and bros). During the clinching celebration he claimed that, “This is the best time of the year. Poppin’ bottles.” I would like to hang out with Deltron.

Gardner: What the fuck is a “Brett Gardner?”

Center Field: Denard Span vs. Curtis Granderson

Span: Seems to be aligning himself quite nicely with the tradition left behind by center fielders Kirby Puckett and Torii Hunter. He’ll likely go down as second on the list, just ahead of Hunter, as he can grow a full beard and has actually not swung at every face-high fastball he’s ever seen.

Granderson: The former Tiger seems to lack the motivation and drive to succeed in the postseason thanks to the peace of mind he’s gained from seeing only three boats on fire on the streets of The Bronx, as opposed to the daily boat burnings he witnessed in Detroit.

Right Field: Twitches Kubel vs. Nick Swisher

Kubel: Has a remarkable knack for coming through in the clutch despite twitching he’s been mainlining Starbucks.

Swisher: The broiest bro who ever broed. Swisher carries twice as much luggage on road trip as any other Yankee, filling an extra two bags with hair gel, roofies, Coors Light, Axe Body Spray, and Ed Hardy t-shirts.

DH: Jim Thome vs. Lance Berkman

Thome: A revelation this year, leading the Twins in home runs and becoming a charming, gentlemanly fan favorite.

Berkman: Looks a lot like that guy who kept calling your mother after she and your dad split up, doesn’t he?

Starting Pitchers:

Twins:

Francisco Liriano: Once waited at the airport for 45 minutes to pick up his sister, even though his sister texted him and said she’d be delayed and she’d just catch a cab.

Carl Pavano: Everyone in New York hates him. Yes, that goes in the plus column, as everybody knows New Yorker’s are self-centered assholes with no taste and no appreciation for anything they can’t latch onto and suck like leeches.

Brian Duensing: Has never tipped less than 15%. Even on coffee.

Nick Blackburn: I had a friend who did some intern work at the STrib and she told me that Nick Blackburn is the only Twin who isn’t a bro. No truth to the rumour that he listens to Ratatat to get pumped up for starts.

Yankees:

C.C. Sabathia: Once tried to grill and eat a “Brett Gardner.”

Andy Pettite: Has dutifully tried to help teammate Alex Rodriguez make peace with his steroid-abuse-based shrunken testicles by constantly showing off his own steroid-abuse-based shrunken testicles.

Phil Hughes: Had his name in the rumours of potential Johan Santana trade that eventually fell through. Never quite got over the prospect of living in the greatest city modern man has ever built.

Closers: Matt Capps vs. Mariano Rivera

Capps: Came over from Washington in the middle of the season, got a save in his first game, and said, “I’m just so excited to be in Minnesota. The fans, the stadium… Minneapolis is great.” 50 years ago we took your team, this year we took your closer. Hope you enjoyed Christian Guzman.

Rivera: The greatest closer in postseason history. Hates puppies.

Prediction: Twins in four.

Series MVP: Deltron (3 HR, 9 RBI, 2 Outfield Assists, at least one shouting match with Yankee fans, and more popped bottles than anyone this side of Gucci Mane.)

Get on the bandwagon now! When the Twins with the World Series we’re tipping over the 7.