And Ya Say Twins' City!

The Twin Cities sports landscape is looking a little bleak right now. The Vikings have been spinning their wheels for three weeks now and, even if the Randy Moss trade comes to fruition, are still facing an uphill battle to make the playoffs. The Wild only won one preseason game and are starting the season on the other side of the world (more on that to come). And the Timberwolves’ season actually peaked two days ago with a preseason win over the Lakers.

However…

The Twins playoff series against the New York Yankees starts tonight! I have absolute faith that this is the year that the Twins get over this hurdle and beat the Yankees in the postseason.

Why? Five reasons:

01. The Twins have solid pitching from their starters to their closers. Liriano, Pavano, Duensing, & Blackburn may not instill fear into the Yankees lineup, but they are remarkably consistent and aren’t afraid to put the ball in play. At the other end, Jesse Crain and Matt Capps have turned into one of the best 8^th-9^th inning combos in the league.

02. The Twins have Target Field on their side. October in Minneapolis ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. Fortunately, we’ll be riding the bat of Smokin’ Joe Mauer, who was born and raised in these winters. What’s 45 degrees to me, homey? Plus, the shine of the new stadium is just too much. The story of the new stadium and it’s World Series win will be a story we tell our kids (well, a story YOU tell your kids. That ain’t my style. I’ll tell Basset about it).

03. The Yankees have grown fat and complacent. After winning a championship last year, the desire and drive isn’t where it needs to be this time of year.

04. The “Big Four” of the Yankees (Pettite, Jeter, Rivera, & Posada) are all over 35 and dealing with the inevitable consequences of getting older, slower, fatter, slower, dumber, & fatter.

05. Lastly, man, fuck some Yankees! We’re due!

Alright, let’s break this down position by position and see who has the edge:

Catcher: Bro Mauer vs. Jorge Posada

Mauer: Conceived, born, & educated behind home plate.

Posada: As a child, Posada used to steal fruit from the market in his hometown. When confronted by his mother, he threw an apple at her. Of course, the throw was 3 feet short and 6 feet two her left, leaving her standing up, completely safe.

First Base: Kid Cuddy vs. Mark Teixeira

Cuddy: Has played every position in the Twins organization, including pitching, catching, manager, first base coach, pitching coach, bus driver, uniform launderer, and PED-dealer-keeper-awayer. Because of his devotion to the team, management has asked him repeatedly to please, “slow his roll,” to which he’s angrily responded, “Fuck that!”

Teixeira: After leaving Texas to sign with the Yankees after the 2008 season, Teixeira was heard claiming that the only thing that was “bigger in Texas” was the women. Of course, this never really bothered him as he has no interest whatsoever in women.

Second Base: O-Dogg vs. Robinson Cano

O-Dogg: Just ‘scited man! Keep it loose, lil’ rowdy! Man, gets cold, but I ain’t sweat, nawww, not O-Dogg!

Robinson Cano: Has made millions of dollars while playing and living in New York City, yet refuses to buy an MTA card. Rather, he waits until rush hour to push through doors that have been propped open by handicap (and fully paying) patrons.

Shortstop: J.J. Hardy vs. Derek Jeter

Hardy: Acquired from Milwaukee during the offseason for Carlos Gomez. Hasn’t quite lived up to expectations, however, the drop off is understandable, as this season was his first experience living in a major Midwestern city.

Jeter: Captain Clutch had career lows in batter average, RBI’s, and on-base percentage. Also, he dated Mariah Carey. No, really.

Third Base: Danny Valencia vs. Alex Rodriguez

Valencia: During the AL Central-clinching party, CF Denard Span said of Danny Valencia, “Watch out ladies, Danny’s out on the town tonight.”

Rodriguez: Has never actually showered in front of teammates because years and years of abusing performance enhancing drugs have left his testicles as shriveled as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner’s.

Left Field: Deltron vs. Brett Gardner

Deltron: Finally living up to the potential he’s scratched at for years. Plus, he has a Misfits tattoo (leading to the “Delmon Young Fiend Club” and bridging the gap between hipster jerk-offs and bros). During the clinching celebration he claimed that, “This is the best time of the year. Poppin’ bottles.” I would like to hang out with Deltron.

Gardner: What the fuck is a “Brett Gardner?”

Center Field: Denard Span vs. Curtis Granderson

Span: Seems to be aligning himself quite nicely with the tradition left behind by center fielders Kirby Puckett and Torii Hunter. He’ll likely go down as second on the list, just ahead of Hunter, as he can grow a full beard and has actually not swung at every face-high fastball he’s ever seen.

Granderson: The former Tiger seems to lack the motivation and drive to succeed in the postseason thanks to the peace of mind he’s gained from seeing only three boats on fire on the streets of The Bronx, as opposed to the daily boat burnings he witnessed in Detroit.

Right Field: Twitches Kubel vs. Nick Swisher

Kubel: Has a remarkable knack for coming through in the clutch despite twitching he’s been mainlining Starbucks.

Swisher: The broiest bro who ever broed. Swisher carries twice as much luggage on road trip as any other Yankee, filling an extra two bags with hair gel, roofies, Coors Light, Axe Body Spray, and Ed Hardy t-shirts.

DH: Jim Thome vs. Lance Berkman

Thome: A revelation this year, leading the Twins in home runs and becoming a charming, gentlemanly fan favorite.

Berkman: Looks a lot like that guy who kept calling your mother after she and your dad split up, doesn’t he?

Starting Pitchers:

Twins:

Francisco Liriano: Once waited at the airport for 45 minutes to pick up his sister, even though his sister texted him and said she’d be delayed and she’d just catch a cab.

Carl Pavano: Everyone in New York hates him. Yes, that goes in the plus column, as everybody knows New Yorker’s are self-centered assholes with no taste and no appreciation for anything they can’t latch onto and suck like leeches.

Brian Duensing: Has never tipped less than 15%. Even on coffee.

Nick Blackburn: I had a friend who did some intern work at the STrib and she told me that Nick Blackburn is the only Twin who isn’t a bro. No truth to the rumour that he listens to Ratatat to get pumped up for starts.

Yankees:

C.C. Sabathia: Once tried to grill and eat a “Brett Gardner.”

Andy Pettite: Has dutifully tried to help teammate Alex Rodriguez make peace with his steroid-abuse-based shrunken testicles by constantly showing off his own steroid-abuse-based shrunken testicles.

Phil Hughes: Had his name in the rumours of potential Johan Santana trade that eventually fell through. Never quite got over the prospect of living in the greatest city modern man has ever built.

Closers: Matt Capps vs. Mariano Rivera

Capps: Came over from Washington in the middle of the season, got a save in his first game, and said, “I’m just so excited to be in Minnesota. The fans, the stadium… Minneapolis is great.” 50 years ago we took your team, this year we took your closer. Hope you enjoyed Christian Guzman.

Rivera: The greatest closer in postseason history. Hates puppies.

Prediction: Twins in four.

Series MVP: Deltron (3 HR, 9 RBI, 2 Outfield Assists, at least one shouting match with Yankee fans, and more popped bottles than anyone this side of Gucci Mane.)

Get on the bandwagon now! When the Twins with the World Series we’re tipping over the 7.

Flatbasset-October '10

I'm a couple of days late. I had this playlist all ready to go on the 1st and then got caught up in an epic weekend. I'm back at it now, though. This is one of the better playlists I've put together, so click it, type the numbers, slap it on your iPod and go take in Minnesota's most beautiful time of year.

Flatbasset-October '10

I'll bet you thought I forgot about this one, huh?

01. Central Services – What Would God Do?

Central Services was an NYC-based collaboration between El-P (beats) & the late Camu Tao (vocals). Sadly, Camu died last year just before his solo debut came out.

As you can kind of tell from this track (and can certainly tell from the whole Forever Frozen In Television Time EP), Camu was essentially TV On The Radio before TV On The Radio. The beats are menacing (I mean, it is EL-P), but Camu’s weird, abstract harmonies deserve the credit for making these songs. I downloaded it for free at the Strange Famous Records website. You should too.

02. School Of Seven Bells – Heart Is Strange

School Of Seven Bells is made up of the guy who left The Secret Machines (and, fortunately, all their prog-rock pomposity) and a pair of twin girl singers.

I put this one on the mix because my dude J-Bird and I went and caught their show down at 7^th St. just a couple of days before I put the mix together. I really want to like this band more, but, even after the live show, I find them firmly entrenched as a “shuffle” band. Each song on both of their albums stands up on its own, but taken as a whole it all kinda blends together. This song is the perfect example. The harmonies are great, it has a good melody, the guitar & drum machine are a nice canvas, but I never get the sense that anyone is letting go, y’know? As a whole, the albums feel like they were constructed just a little too well, with every mistake (if that’s what you call them, I call them personality) airbrushed away.

03. Descendents – When I Get Old

This song came out in 1996, when I was a 14 year old just getting into punk rock. I’m now twice that age and rediscovering punk rock. I now know what it’ll be like when I get old.

Sidenote: I will always kiss my girlfriend and try to grab her ass.

04. Big Boi – Shine Blockas (w/Gucci Mane)

I don’t even know what to say about this song. It’s probably my favorite song of 2010. The beat shines so hard, Big Boi crushes it, and Gucci perfectly delivers the hook. No song will change your mood from angry to awesome as fast as this one.

Sidenote: Gucci has now appeared on as many Flatbasset mixes as Morrissey. Take that for what you will.

05. New Century Masters – Gentry Pines

Favorite Minnesota Current Song Of The Day from September. New Century Masters sounds like the name of some kind of long lost pop band from the 60’s (the type of shit my girl Inga would dig out of the vinyl bin for $1.79). Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised when their sound actually matched their name. Hook, hook, keyboard, chorus, do-do-do… and back again. You all know I’m guilty of loving a good hook and this (and the Jukebox The Ghost song at the end) are more exhibits to add to the collection.

06. Phatnumber – Don’t Get Weary

Phatnumber is actually a friend of mine. He’s a producer that was born in Sota, lived in Arizona for a bit, and has been back in the TC for quite a while now. Due to his incredibly good nature, he passed along a disc full of his beats for me to vibe with. Let me tell you, “Don’t Get Weary” is just the tip of the iceberg. Perfect music for rolling down Lyndale in September with the windows down and the stereo up.

Sidenote: Be sure to grab this mp3 if you’re digging it, because it might be a minute before this shit gets out to the general public.

07. R.E.M. – Imitation Of Life

You know how sometimes you’ll go on kicks for a couple of weeks where some artist just sounds awesome? And then a couple more weeks will pass and you’ll wonder what you were on? R.E.M. is that band for me. A couple of times a year I really, really love this band. The rest of the year they just annoy me.

However, “What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” “(Don’t To Back To) Rockville,” & “Imitation Of Life” always sound awesome to me. Pretty much all of R.E.M.’s post-2000 material gets torn up by critics. They’re mostly right, as the whole albums are pretty dull. But taken as a stand alone single this is a sugar rush.

08. Kanye West – Power (Remix) (w/Jay-Z)

At this point, you all probably just expect Kanye West on the mixes. I probably shouldn’t even try to explain it anymore. Jay’s verse ain’t so hot, but the track makes up for it in its last third when Yeezy freaks the fuck out over Funkmaster Flex’s beat. Love it or hate it, man. I can’t sell it any better than Kanye himself.

09. Lifter Puller – I Like The Lights

This one is a Twin Cities classic. Half Dead & Dynamite is not my favorite thing that Lifter Puller ever did, but some nights I’m convinced it’s the greatest rock ‘n roll album ever recorded.

10. The Queers – Punk Rock Girls

Remember what I said earlier about rediscovering punk rock? Case. In. Point.

Sidenote: I still wish they could all be punk rock girls.

11. Young Jeezy – My President (w/Nas)

"Woke up this morning, headache just pound, pay all these damn bills, feed all this damn hound..."

12. Interpol – Try It On

Have you noticed how each of Interpol’s records, when compared with its predecessor, is good but not quite as good. Interpol isn’t quite as good as Our Love To Admire. OLTA isn’t quite as good as Antics. And Antics isn’t quite as good as Turn On The Bright Lights. When you have a couple of years between records, you’re mostly just excited for a new Interpol record. However, have you tried comparing Interpol to TOTBL? Good god! These dudes have really fallen off.

13. Ratatat – Fix Up (w/Dizzee Rascal)

First of all, if you have a friend who doesn’t like Ratatat, you should be immediately suspicious of them.

Second, I love British hip-hop.

Dear Ratatat, please remix more British hip-hop.

14. Jukebox The Ghost – Empire

British pop music is more addictive than caffeine & PCP combined...

15. Atmosphere – The Loser Wins

I’m sure you know I don’t particularly enjoy saying this, but Atmosphere’s new To All My Friends/Blood Makes The Blade Holy album is pretty awful. I understood having a live band on tour (especially when Nate the guitar player has turned up on a bunch of tracks already), but this record sounds dangerously close to Ben Harper territory. Was Ant even around for this album? I remember going to bat for that song “Guarantees” a while back when someone said it sounded like Jack Johnson. After hearing this latest album, I feel like I didn’t have a leg to stand on.

I put this track on here because it speaks to me personally. I’ve always tried to keep an open mind when I meet new people. I’ve tried to find common ground and build friendships with people for years now. Over the last year however, I’ve watched some of my post-NYC friendships come and go amid all kinds of bad circumstances. Cynical though it may be, I’ve learned that I really do need to get better at choosing friends.